Ek is ‘n gelukkige vrou en wil altyd dinge doen. Ek hou van enige baldans, aangesien my pa my as kind geleer het om op haar eie voete te staan. Lees is byvoorbeeld nog een van my stokperdjies. Ek is baie jonk getroud en ek het drie kinders wat my swakheid is. Ek het my jeug in liggaam en siel aan hulle gewy, iets waaroor ek nog nooit spyt was nie, en wat ek geniet het. Ek het met hulle gespeel, ek het vir hulle stories gelees, en ek het hulle kleuterrympies geleer dat hulle vandag vir my sing en onthou.
Hulle het van kinders na tieners gegaan; Hulle het vertrek om hul loopbane te studeer en my baie trots laat voel op hul prestasies, my man, my kinders en myself. Die kern van die gesin was volledig. Totdat sy nog een geword het, sonder om haar te bel, net om ons almal seer te maak; aan elkeen op ‘n manier.
Eers val hy my aan. Niemand het haar geken nie; in werklikheid was hulle traag om my voor- en vanname vir my te gee. Niemand kan my vandag nog duidelik vertel waarom hy in my lewe gekom het nie. Dit het nie regtig saak gemaak nie: sy was hier en sy was hier om te bly.
Elke paar dae kom dit met ‘n nuwe pyn wat die reëls oplewer en my dae beset
Aanvanklik sou dit van tyd tot tyd sonder waarskuwing verskyn. Ek het nie soos haar geselskap gevoel nie, maar sy het my altyd swak en pynlik gelaat en my verhinder om dinge sonder probleme te doen. Elke paar dae kom dit met ‘n nuwe pyn wat die reëls oplewer en my dae beset. Dit het sy doel bereik: om van my ‘n persoon te maak wat ander nodig het. Machacona, het gou sy teenwoordigheid altyd binne en buite opgemerk. Selfsugtig en grillig, hoe sy alles georganiseer het. Gelukkig het ek my man aan my sy, wat vir my doen wat ek nie kan nie. Hy help my om aan te trek; vergesel my dokter toe; gesplete groente om te kook; maak die huis skoon; koop. Hy verf selfs my naels en selfs my oë om my mooi te maak.
Sy het min ruimte vir ons twee gelaat. Besit, dit voorkom dat ons seks kan hê met die normaliteit wat die liefde vereis. Dit sorg reeds dat my wens uitgeskakel word. Die streke maak my seer … Hoe is dit moontlik? Hoe is die vlees seer, vir liefde, plesier en verpligtinge! Hoeveel pyn en moegheid kan sy kry om op een liggaam te konsentreer? My bene verswak en dit het die krag uit my hande geneem; die droom het my vol skokke gelaat; droë mond en flou bewegings. Niemand kan dink hoe sleg dit my laat voel het nie, want ek kon baie keer doen wat ek wou doen. Hy het daarin geslaag om my met ‘n string swart gedagtes te verag: ek is nie in staat om dit of dat te doen nie, hoe nutteloos; Ek is waardeloos
Het ons almal seergemaak
Dit het ons almal seergemaak: my kinders het gely omdat hulle my nie kon help nie. Ons het terselfdertyd geleer hoe die nuwe huurder van ons huis werk. En dit laat my skuldig voel, want dit pynig my om nie ‘n goeie moeder, ‘n goeie vrou, dogter, suster, vriendin te wees nie; nie daaraan voldoen nie. Dit maak my seer om te weet hoe min oorbly van wat ek voorheen was. Ek het probeer om vriende met hom te maak, maar nie eers vir diegene nie.
As sy so voel, kom sy sterker terug om my al hoe meer afhanklik te maak. Maar daar is nog iets in my: die hoop dat daar op ‘n dag nie te ver weg iets ontdek sal word wat my kan genees nie. Nou is daar net pynstillers, rehabilitasie, sielkundige hulp en nog min. Geduld en moed, om hartseer te vermy en ek kan die deur soveel keer as moontlik sluit.
Hy kon nie saam met my nie
Alhoewel sy dink sy kon my regkry, is sy verkeerd. Ek is sterk en gaan my nie laat verslaan nie. Daar is ‘n deel van my wat hy nog nie kon aanraak nie: die wil om te lewe. Sy het nie daarop gereken dat ek uiteindelik sou aanpas by die situasie om haar op die spel te hou nie. Op grond van haar waarneming ken ek haar baie goed. En nou is sy die swak een: haar gemoed bots met die sekerheid dat ek in beheer is van my lewe en die goeie en slegte dae bestuur; en ek kry hulle minder sleg as wat hulle was.
Om haar te ken en myself te herken in my nuwe liggaam wat versadig is met pyn, myself te aanvaar en te weet dat ek dieselfde is as voorheen, net met meer ervaring; meer beperk in die alledaagse, maar wyser en vrygewiger; alles wat my die sterkste gemaak het, en sy die waardelose, net om skade te berokken. Dit is bereik met vasberadenheid, medisyne, oefening. En dit het met ondersteuning en liefde gekom.
Dankie
Ek wil dus almal bedank wat saam met ons albei op hierdie moeilike pad was, vir hul hulp. Aan my gesin , omdat ek my lewe makliker gemaak het, my geglo het, na my geluister en liefgehad het. Moeder : ek skuld u die moed van ‘n vegtende vrou. Broers: want hoewel jy die oudste van die drie is, sorg jy vir my asof ek die kleintjie is. Vir my kinders , altyd naby; vir hulle word ek elke dag wakker en probeer ek altyd glimlag. Dankie dat u my as die beste moeders gesien het, hoe gelukkig is ek!
Aan my man . Hoeveel keer wonder ek wat van my sou word as ek u nie aan my sy gehad het nie? U is my stok, u verduur die impotensie wat soms uitkom, en dat u ook voel dat u nie weet wat u moet doen om my beter te maak nie. Aan my vriende wat my gekies het; vir die bou van soveel liefdesverhale. Dankie aan al die professionele persone en wetenskaplikes wat in ons geglo het ondanks soveel dorheid en misverstand hoe dit bestaan, nie net op sy gebied nie, maar ook in die samelewing in die algemeen.
En aan u, vader , omdat u my geleer het om geduld te bestuur, wat my so gehelp het om te oorleef en dat u my tegelykertyd gewys het dat u my geleer het om op u voete te dans. Ek is hoopvol, herhaal ek, en ek hoop dat ek myself eendag heeltemal daarop kan afdwing .
Sy , hoewel sy amper meer as ek weeg, is my maat, haar naam is fibromialgie en chroniese moegheid
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